I had a really big problem this morning, actually I have had it for the last two weeks of my life…..
I walked through the doors of my place at 04:00 this morning.
I walked through the doors of my place at 04:00 this morning, after a spur-of-the-moment decision at 23:00 to go get an ice-cream at the convenience store. This ice-cream was eaten on a hill in a car overlooking the town falling asleep in the hollow bellow, watching all the lights glitter like stars. It was a GREAT moment to be alive. How many of us can say we’ve had ice cream at 23:00 on a hill next to the road leading out-of-town?
I was supposed to walk through the door at 01:30 am, after the ice cream was safely tucked into my belly, the town lights had lost their magic, and the conversation had gotten to that point where the silence said everything the words couldn’t. Instead I ended – up walking around town, on the coldest night of the winter so far. Laughing, skipping to stay warm, feeling my hands go numb. Another GREAT moment to be alive, if you’re like me who’s stitched together with maps, magic and randomness.
I walked through the doors of my place at 04:00 this morning, and it’s a problem because, I walked through those doors so late because of a person who isn’t part of my “house-with-the-white-picket-fence” idea.
This problem it seems is something everything young person contemplates at some point in their lives. Who are you supposed to spend the rest of your life with? The question has recently sprung up into my being, making it difficult to think about anything else, than “I’m supposed to make a choice, but how do I know I’m making the right one?”
When you’re little, all you dream about is becoming “big”, of being like your older sister who’s allowed to put on make-up and go to parties…with boys…. You also want to wear heels, and to your own thing, make your own decisions, don’t want anyone telling you what to you, and yet now that I’m standing knee-deep in this situation, I’d give anything for my parents to be able to tell me what to do just like they’d tell me to eat my vegetables when I was little because it’s good for me.
When you’re little, and you’re wishing you were “big” too, you only think of the grandeur that comes with being grown-up. But nobody tells you growing-up also means that you’ll have to make life changing decisions on your own, that no one can decide for you, and that you have to live with the consequences. You watch your Disney and teen fiction movies, read “Sweet Valley High” or “Twilight” and believe that someday you’ll just meet someone and you’ll just know that this is your “knight in shining armour”. No one tells you, it’s more like you’ll be kissing a lot of frogs, trying to figure which ones turns into princes and even then – Is he the right prince for you?
No one tells you that you first have to go on a few dates before you can make any sort of judgement call. No one tells you that once the butterflies fly more slowly and you start knowing exactly how he’s going to kiss you, you have to care enough and work really damn hard to keep the fire going. No one tells you, that being in-love doesn’t last forever and that then the real test starts. No one tells you that you could be dating someone for three years, imagined a life with them, and then suddenly one random day, life knocks you down asking you to think hard and to think again – Do you really love this man like one should? Does he fulfill you to the point of who you are? Can you, with your busy job and interesting people still want to go home to him, night after night because you want to, and because he’ll always be more interesting than anyone else you meet?
These are the really hard, “big” questions that no one else tells you about. I thought I’d just have a blast in collage, maybe meet a man, get married. . . .
Now, here I am wondering how the hell you decide these things when you don’t know what the outcome will be? Here I am in after three years, wondering if my white-picket-fence-guy will ever randomly suggest that we should go have ice – cream at 23:00 and if he doesn’t if I can live with it? I know that a relationship is MUCH MORE than just randomly going for ice cream. I have this perfect specimen of what every girl wants. A taller than me, dark-haired man who’s majoring in engineering, who makes me laugh always and makes me coffee whenever I ask, who accepts me for exactly who I am and with all my mistakes, who gives freely and generously with all his heart, who remembers to sometimes bring me flowers on our anniversary, and mostly enjoy whatever I suggest we do together. We get along well, never fight, we have the same and our own friends, all our age, we’ve had all our college years to grow together, study, laugh, party together, a whole sort of life, that I could see blossoming into something more permanent one day.
But then this dark horse arrived on the scene. A dark horse who remembers I am made of maps and magic. Who wants to take me out to dinner just because I did well on a test (even though I always do). Who tells me exactly what he sees in me, and that If I’m brave enough to jump he’ll be there to catch me. A man who doesn’t just like everything I suggest we do, but also has his own suggestions. A man who has an opinion about things, but also a man who I am not sure of, a man my gut is still not definite about. A man whom without all the security has made me stop to consider this situation…. Why? What does this mean?
Decisions, I could make now that influence the rest of my life. How do you make these life changing decisions at twenty-two and know you’re doing the right thing. There are so many things to consider, and who even know what the real definition of “LOVE” is?
How do you choose who you are going to love and wake-up to for the rest of your life? After all these years of trusting your gut, you suddenly don’t know what to do. Just 22 – Young, still going to be out in the world soon, focussing on my career, living my own life, could still meet a dozen people…. So how do you know and how do you choose?
How come being 22 feels so young and old at the same time?
And I guess this is where you learn the “art of getting your shit together”